The light that guides me
by Her-one-green-eye
Summary: When Bella loses everything,her parents,her boyfriend& her friends,she decides that its all too much.As she tries to take her own life,a handsome stranger saves her.He shows her that life is worth living,ButWhatHappensWhenThePeopleFromHerPastWantHerBack?
1. Prologue

**Hey!! so this is my second story, and I should have waited til I came back from holidays but I cant wait so.. you can all deal with:P:P if you havent already,check out my other story"a shoulder to cry on" please and thank you!!! loveage!! **

_**Prologue**__._

As I stood at the top of the cliff,watching the icy and vicious waves below, I thought about all the things I'd never have,never do. I'd never soo my finals papers,or go to college. I'd never marry and have children,or grandchildren. But the thing that life has taught me is shit happens. Things happen to you in life that are just too hard to bear. You cant plan for them, expect them to happen and avoid them,and you cant forsee them.

I took a step closer to the edge of the cliff,the wind blowing my hair into my face. In my final moments, I thought of my happiest memory,my last day with my parents. And ,with that, I jumped off the cliff. I closed my eyes as I felt the air whip around me. I was flying,free as a bird,free of all the emotional pain I'd suffered, and just couldnt deal with.I hit the water with collasal impact and as the current grabbed me and dragged me under,I didnt fight it. This is what I wanted. I let myself sink further and further into the darkness. "Goodbye Jacob" I thought as I finally ran out of oxygen.

I knew I had died when I heard the angels voice. Though it was noisy and somehow wet,it must have been heaven."Stay with me,Stay with me now" the angel whispered, anxious for some unknown reason, as he pulled me forward. And as I began to wonder why this angel was so anxious,I lost myself in the darkness I had been longing for all along.

**ya so theres your prologue!! short i know :P i hate doing sad stuff but that s the way the cookie crumbles:D so yes REVIEW!!! it makes me do my happy dance and keeps me modivated!! lol**

**loveage!!!**

**jelliebean**

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	2. Chapter 1

**hey! i offically have way too much time:P im already putting up the 1st chapter and i dont even know if any1 likes it:D meh..s'all good**

**Disclaimer(which I always forget but you can take it for granted): i own nothing twilight and it sucks so bad:(:(**

I walked in the front door,locking it behind me. As I dumped my coat on the floor, I unplugged the phone. I walked into the living room and shut the curtains. I grabbed the old blanket from the end of the couch and wrapped myself up in it,kicking off my shoes and tearing my hair from its elegant bun. I couldnt believe it. Still. 3 days had past and I still expected to see my dad sitting down where I was now,watching a game or my mom cooking and singing in the kitchen. Tears rolled down my face. I had cried so much these last few days,I shouldnt still have some to shed. I starred at the blank tv before me,alone in my dark quiet home.

I heard a car pull in the driveway,following with the opening and slamming shut of a car door. I heard a knock on the door "Bella, Bella come on let me in." Jacob called "Bells you cant stay in here alone" I ignored him. I just wanted to be alone. I felt bad for ignoring Jacob. He had been nothing but supportive to me and he was being the best boyfriend ever, but I just didnt want to talk to anyone. I had just buried my parents and Jacob was getting bored of my being so dead. I didnt think I'd ever be the same Bella I was before,not after this....

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I was in Biology when I was told,first period after lunch. A very morose looking man entered the class,and asked to speak with me outside the classroom. I grimanced at my friend Angela and followed him outside the door,thinking it was just a message from my mom,saying something stupid like that she wouldnt be home til late because of meetings or something. ",Im very sorry to inform you that your parents have been involved in a very bad car accident." I gasped,tears welling up in my eyes"Well!! Where are they?! Are they ok?! What happened!!?" I all but screamed at him in my agiatation. ",Im afraid to tell you that your parents died instantly at the scene. A truck went out of control on the main road to Seattle and drove straight into the front of your parents car,they never stood a chance." I was sobbing at this stage,trying to comprhend that my parents,my wonderful parents were...were dead."Your lying! Charlie and Renee arent going to Seattle til next week! They told me! Why would you say something like that!!"I cried out,desperate to believe that this was all a cruel joke. I looked up at the man searching through my sobs,trying to detect some hint of a lie in his expression. He just starred down gravely at me,a witness to my pain.

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I was brought back to the present by Jacob knocking again. "Come on Bella! I can see you! Come on,we'll go for a pizza or something" I didnt even turn to acknowledge him. Did he seriously just suggest to go for pizza,on the day I had buried my parents,the only family I had in the world. How dare he suggest that the world, that life could go on as normal without my parents! The clocks should stop,the offices and workplaces should be closed, the cars that usually roamed the streets should be gone, and the wars around the world to cease, everyone should be at home mourning the loss of my parents as I was, feeling the pain that I was. But no one understood,least of all Jacob.

He had given up and I heard him rev. up his car and leave,just when I needed him most. I didnt want him to just leave,I wanted him to stay with me even if I didnt open the door. Because him leaving made it final. I was 18 years old,in my final year of high school and I was alone, with no family to speak of in this world. I lay down on the couch,curling up into a ball to try and lessen the pain and cried until I could cry no more,and fell into a fitful sleep.

I dreamed of flashes of bright light,screaming women and children and of the little ost-it I found on the fridge when I came home that dreadful day, the note that explained that Charlie had a day off and they were going to Seattle early. That note haunted me and always would. I awoke,covered in sweat and momentarily disoriented from my dreams. But before I had time to be confused as to why I slept in the couch,and where my parents were, each memory flooded back,bringing with it a new and fresh wave of pain. Tears slipped down my face. I looked at my mobile,on the table in front of me. I reached forward,groaning as I did because my arms were so stiff and sore from not moving all night. I turned it on. 15 missed calls,11 voicemails and 3 texts. I placed it down.

I walked in a total daze, I plugged back in the phone and went to get breakfast. Every thing I did was slow and heavy. I walked into the kitchen and almost saw my mother before she disappeared. I stopped and starred at the place I had just seen her, willing her to come back. I'd lost my appetite and I trudged upstairs and into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and without even waiting for the hot water,I stripped off and stepped in. Shivering,I stood in the shower while the house phone rang and people knocked at the door and my mobile vibrated,indicating that more messages of peoples sympathy arrived. I didnt want peoples sympathy and their various pies and cassroles. I just wanted one person,,just one person to understand. As I stood alone at my parents graves yesterday and threw a rose on each coffin, I wished that just one person out of all the people that came to the funeral understood,really understood what I felt. But I wished in vain,there was not one person in this tiny town who did. And I felt even more alone as I realised it.

**yes there it is. I hate writing sad chapters i reallly do and its going to get worse before it gets better. anywho review,it makes me do my happy dance:D **

**jelliebean**

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	3. Chapter 2

**hi!! im back from hols and soo glad:P back to a world with more than 2 tv channels and water you can drink from the tap:P anywho chapter two here we go....**

**Disclaimer: i dont own twilight and it sucks sooooo bad!!!!**

The next three days I spent alone in my house,wallowing in the loneliness that was now my life. No matter how many friends or boyfriends I had,I would always come home to an empty house, and that was the bit that killed me the most. I ignored all the knocks at the door,and the phone calls. I just sat on the couch,still in my clothes from the first day after the funeral,starring blankly ahead of me. People had started to stop knocking and just left their sympathy food on the porch,calling through the letterbox at me,telling me that the food was there and if I need to talk they were always there for me. Though kind and thoughtful,these sentiments were useless. No one understood my pain,so how could they be there for me?

Jacob hadn't called since the day of the funeral, though he left countless messages telling me to ring him. And although I didnt want to talk to Jake, I wanted him to stop ringing and come to my house and break down the door. I wanted him to ignore my screams begging him to leave and gather me up in his muscular arms and hold me. Not talk just be there for me. But Jake would do no such thing,1 thing with Jacob, he never did the chasing but at this stage I was too numb to care.

It had been the fourth day after the funeral when my parents lawyer called,asking me to drop by the office in Seattle to discuss my parents will. I hadn't slept properly or showered in days,I couldn't remember the last time I ate,all these things that seemed so important before,were completely superficial and unimportant now. But I knew this was important,even through my daze of pain, I knew I had to see this man. Even though my limbs were sore from not moving,and my voice was hoarse from not speaking, I had to see this man. It was the last message from my parents. I didnt cry, on hearing the message,no that I didnt do. But I think at this stage, I was too numb to feel the stabs of agony I should have felt.

And so, on hearing the message play through, I stood up slowly for the first time in ages. I reached over ,picked up my keys, and trudged to the front door. I passed the hall mirror,seeing my reflection for the first time in days. My hair was greasy,tangled and dishevelled into one big knot of hair, my eyes were still red and puffy,due to the continous crying up to two days ago. I could see huge bags under my eyes and I had lost what seemed like alot of weight.I looked so ill and fragile. Though I didnt care what I looked like, I knew my mother wouldn't like me appearing at the lawyers office looking like this. Using the hair brush on the hall table, I tried to tidy my hair into some sort of presentable state. There was nothing I could do about my eyes and I didnt care about my clothes.

I unlocked and opened the front door to see a mountain of cassroles and pies on the porch, all stacked one on top of the other. I starred at the food unfeelingly, and simply closed and locked the front door and used the back door like nothing had happened. I kept my eyes on the ground,hoping to god no one would try to talk to me. I just wanted to go get this done and lock myself back into the house,into my own little bubble where the outside world was utterly irrelavant. I got into the truck as fast as my weary body would let me and,keeping my eyes focused forward in case anyone tried to get my attention, drove out of my driveway and on the backroad to Seattle. I couldnt take the mainroad, I wouldnt. I knew that seeing the place where my parents died would send me over that edge that I was dangerously getting closer to.

I didnt remember the drive to Seattle. Time just flew forward for which I was thankful and suddenly I found myself in the waiting lounge in the lawyers office.

"" the pretty reciptionist called " is ready to see you now."

I nodded and taking a deep breath,stood up and walked through the door into 's office. He was sitting at his desk,straightening files when I walked in. I stood in front of him tensely as he glanced up at me, jumping up when he recognised me,to shake my hand.

"Have a seat ,have a seat. We'll get straight down to business as I'm sure you'd rather we got through it quickly and as painlessly as possible." He said,indicating I should take the seat in front of him and opening files as he sat down himself

"Your parents have left a joint will,meaning that they decided together how to divide their assets. The will goes as follows: We,Renee Cecilia Swan and Charlie Marcus Swan, hereby leave our house and all its assets to our only daughter Isabella Marie Swan, and she may do what she wishes with it. We also leave all the money in both our joint and our seperate bank accounts to Isabella, and our college fund,of which she may take $21,000 each year to pay for college expenses." He glanced up at me as I starred back,feeling empty.

"I must tell you,,that the money from both your parents seperate and joint accounts, amount to $2,563,000. The trust fund itself amounts to $300,000." He looked up at me expecting some kind of emotion,shock ,joy,sadness,but all he saw was the deepest kind of pain wallowing in my eyes. I knew he saw it because when he did,he flinched.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably and continued"Your mother states here that she leaves you her '02 silver lexus and all her jewellry,especially her grandmothers ring,which is of special importance. They also left a letter. It states in the will,that only if their death is untimely,are you to recieve it. Here it is." He handed me a cream envelope, that said Our darling Bella on the front.

I took it and placed it with in my pocket. I stood up stiffly "Thank you , you have been most helpful" I stuck out my hand which he shook as he stood.

", I would just like to say sorry I am and that they were really wonderful people," I starred fixedly on a spot above his head,determined not to cry.

"Thank you ,now if you dont mind,I'd like to leave" I said tersely still not looking at him

"Ah of course. I shall sort all the inheritance and let you know when it's all sorted signed and sealed" He looked at me sadly,as if he knew just how bad it was

"Goodbye then " I turned on my heel and fleed from the room,practically running out the door and to my truck. I took deep unsteady breaths to try and calm myself. I rested my head on the steering wheel as ears escaped my eyes and rolled down my face. It was impossible to deny them.

**so ya that s it:P please review it makes me do my happpy dance:D**

**jelliebean**

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	4. Chapter 3

**Yo yo yo!!!!! I know its been a while since i ve updated but things have been CRAZY the last few weeks:P I ve been trying to earn some money but its not working out too well:DAnywho here comes chapter 3(or 4 which ever way you want to look at it:D)..**

**Disclaimer: I dont own twilight and it sucks SOOOO bad!!!**

It was two weeks before I went back to school, and they were the worst two weeks of my life. I walked around in a numb daze, and although it appeared as though I had gotten my act together, only I knew that was not the case. After my vist to Mr. Fitzpatrick, my lawyer, I had begun to try and get myself looking someway civilised. But I never slept if I could help it or ate. I never felt hungry anymore and so,never ate. My friends had called often during those two weeks trying to awaken me from my daze and be good friends,but I ignored them when they came to the door, and never returned their phone calls so they learned to wait for me to come to them,instead of forcing their company on me.

The first day back at school was the worst. All day people tip-toed around me, like I was made of glass. They looked at me with sympathetic,pity-filled looks that made me wish I hadn't returned to school. Jacob walked me from each class,standing next to me like a guardian. He held my hand through out the day and for that I was grateful. Of course ,of all my friends, Jessica was the worst. The one thing Jess loved most in the world was drama, she strived off it, and my parents death was like a jackpot to her so she hugged me and patted my back and made a show of everything. Mike, Tyler and Cathy all acted like everyone else, like I was uncommonly fragile. It seemed only Angela and Jacob realised I didnt want a fuss. Even though I was sinking further and further into my depression, I didnt want a fuss.

The second day people realised I just wanted to be left alone. And so they did. They didnt talk to me unless I spoke to them first,which was rare and they let me be. I could see that Jacob was getting tired of my depressive state but I couldnt help it. If there was one person in the world I would snap out of this for it would be Jacob, but I just felt like there was no point to life and love and happiness. We were all going to die in the end anyway, what was the point? He would look at me annoyed for starring so blankily around and not taking part in anything but he never did understand. No Jacob was funny smart and athletic, but never understanding.

For the most part, teachers let me be,they let me find my bearings. I felt so lost in these once familar rooms and halls. Everything was so drastically different ,but somehow so painfully the same. School seemed monotounous before but it was painful to endure, to have to pretend like I cared about Shakespheres use of imagery in Macbeth, or how the quadratic formula was used. It felt like I was acting like nothing had happened, and that was the part that killed me the most, living the same life I lived before my parents death...it felt like the biggest betrayl imaginable.

I was back to school almost a month,when Jacob asked me if we could talk about something after school. Time had passed strangely,achingly slow and then strikingly fast. I knew I was no better in fact I was probably worse. I maintained a good level of grades to try and keep teachers off my back but they still tried to sympathise with me and try to get me to talk about it but I would just smile politely and move on. I often caught the annoyed glances of my friends but I couldnt bring myself to care about what they thought. So when Jacob asked me if we could talk I wasnt surprised. He probably was just going to say the same as usual. That he was there for me,that I needed to let him in,talk to him. That I needed to get my life back on track and accept that my parents were gone.

He followed me home in his car after school,and came inside without saying a word. His eyes were unusually cold and cruel as he sat down at the kitchen table. I sat across from him and waited for him to start speaking. He glared at me and I flinched back feeling a sudden stab of emotion in my heart.

"Bella I ve been meaning to talk to you all week" Jacob began his voice, void of any emotion.

His face and eyes were icy cold as he looked straight at me.

"Bella,your a mess. You look like shit,with bags under your eyes and you look like a fucking skeleton. Your not the same, you dont even talk anymore and Im sick shit of it. I gave you enough thime to get over it and you havent. Instead you continue to mope and look like a fucking thick stupid fugly zombie!!! You dont realise that I could have any girl in the school, and you expect me to stay with you! Frankly Bella your not worth it. Its bull and its bad for my rep."

He breathed deeply to calm himself. My eyes welled up with tears as his words sank in slowly. He watched coldly as realisation hit me like a ton of bricks attached to a piano,landing on me after falling 2000 feet through the air. **( A/n sorry i had to put that in there:P) **

"Bella,as you might have guessed by now, Im dumping you. For Christ sake I havent gotten any action for weeks!! So Im leaving you. Im going to find someone else better than you,which really isnt too hard I have to tell you, and you ll have no one to blame but yourself. It's completely your fault your alone."

Tears were gushing down my face as I felt my heart break. How could Jake do this to me? He loved me,I loved him. He was the one person I was sure would stick with me.

He laughed cruelly " For fucks sake Bells stop crying, you can't have not seen this coming. Your not going to make me change my mind, and your not getting any pity either. I dont waste my time on fugly low life stupid zombies. End of. Goodbye Bella."

He stood up to leave, appraising me coldly.I found my voice " Jacob no..please I need you!! I love you, you cant leave me!" I cried,begging with him not to leave me. I was willing to get down on my knees if it helped.

He laughed again,it brought unbearable pain to my heart. "Watch me"

And with that, he stalked out of the room,out of the house,and left me sobbing helplessly on the floor of my kitchen...alone.

**Authors note: I know that the chapters are really depressing right now but believe me IT WILL GET BETTER SOON!!! I dont want to move through it too fast or else its just going to be unrealistic. Anywho quick favour to ask off anyone who feels up to it!! Could someone explain the American schooling systen to me?? I googled it and it just made me more confused:P please please review!! It makes me do my "yay i got a review" happy dance and i love that dance!! It s sooo much more fun than my normal happy dance:P anywho much loveage!!!**

**Jelliebean**

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	5. Chapter 4

**hey everybody!! thanks to all who reviewed!! its muchly apperciated and i always reply:P:P chapter 4 here we go....**

**Disclaimer: i dont own twilight and you wanna something?? it sucks ass:P**

Time passes...however slowly,it does. Minutes seemed like hours,hours like days so I dont know how long I lay on the floor crying after Jacob left. When your in pain its so easy to lose things. I lost track of time, I lost myself in the pain. New painful wounds had opened themselves in Jacobs wake. He had left me cruelfully, painfully and with no pity. My mind struggled to comprehened what my body had already accepted. I didnt think that Jacob could be so cruel..that he could destroy me so completely. I had been in so much pain since the death of my parents, I didnt think it could get any worse but Jacob showed me it could and it did. It multiplied a 100 fold, left me without lungs gasping for breath and looking for a helping hand ,a kind word, that wasnt there to save me from the bottomless abyss of pain I was falling into.

I fell asleep on the hard kitchen floor much later that night,exhausted from crying and the pain. My dreams were unsettling and disjointed and I slept fitfully,waking constantly but falling back asleep before I could feel any more insufferable pain. The next morning I awoke to the ringing of the phone. From the corner of my eye I could see the time on the oven clock..10:45a.m. I numbly realised I should be at school, there was responsibilty waiting for me outside I starred dumbly ahead of me,trying to remember how to move my limbs to firstly get up and secondly answer the phone. My muscles took there time responding and by the time I made my shakey way to my feet I had missed the call. It went to voicemail and I heard Jessicas high pitched voice echo through the empty house,heavy with sympathy and false understanding

"Hi Bella?? Honey?? Answer the phone. I heard about you and Jake! Why would you leave him Bella?? He loves you and hes been nothing but good to you since..." her voice trailed off and she took a deep breath.

"Im sorry Bella, I didnt ring to give out to you. I know it must have been hard for you even if I dont understand why. Its just that he's crushed Bella, you should see him he really didnt see it coming!! Just ring me k?? Bye Bells!!" She hung up,leaving a chilling silence behind her.

So Jacob was telling everyone I left him? It was a clever plan. If he said he dumped me,he would be branded an asshole for leaving me in my time of need and therefore undatable. But if I dumped him,then he would be off the hook and he would get extra sympathy and attention from the girls. Jacob wasnt dumb,he was a master manipulator. Any energy I had gathered together in my attempt at standing up suddenly windled away and I sunk to the floor again. I lay my head on my knees,my back againist the leg of the table. I thought about the latest event in my suddenly painful life. My life had been perfect before my parents death. I had a loving home,a boyfriend and loads of friends.

It seemed that one by one I was losing everything that I loved in life. My heart was shattered, my body exhausted, my mind fragile. I didnt know how to survive.I eventually gathered enough strength to move my stiff limbs and get off the floor. I grabbed the table and used it as a support as I weakly moved towards the sitting room.I walked slowly to the sitting room,grasping the walls for support the entire way. I walked in,sat on the couch and lay down curled up in a blanket,much like the way I had after the funeral. The strong wave of deja vu was torture and I closed my eyes in exhaustion trying to block out the waves of suffering threatening to pull me under...until they did.

The next thing I was aware of was a loud knocking on the door. I sat up slowly,my body too heavy to move. The knocking continued and I became aware of voices outside the door. I slowly stood up,testing my balance before moving towards the door. I looked through the peep hole in the door and saw Angela Jessica Cathy and Lauren outside. I moved away from the door I didnt want to talk to them.

"BELLA!!!" Cathy banged on the door again "You have til the count of 3 to open the door or else were breaking in!! This is not going to be like after the funeral where you locked yourself away for 2 weeks!!"

I flinched at the memoryand my eyes welled up in tears. I couldnt take a berating from my friends right now, I really couldnt manage it ,especially when they had no idea what happened between me and jake really. I would tell them to leave, it was too late to tell them the truth. Anything I said now would be seen as malicious post break up behaviour.

"1.....2....." I heard Cathy start counting and I opened the door before anyone hurt themselves.

They all smiled and sighed in relief. "Hey guys" I said self-conciously " Whats wrong?" I looked at them,expecting angry faces and seeing only kind sympathetic ones.

"Bella, we know about Jacob and though none of us understand why you left him,we do understand that break ups are hard,especically since you and Jacob have been together so long." Angela said. "We're here to help Bells, let us in."

She produced 2 huge tubs of Ben and Jerrys ice cream from behind her back and Lauren held fizzy drinks while Jessica was holding tons of dvds. I starred at them. I wanted to let them in, I really did but in that one sentence Angela reminded me that they couldnt help if they didnt understand,and I just couldnt explain it right now..I knew the words wouldnt come out. And as I thought of this fact, I felt myself empty of emotion. I knew I should be touched by all the effort they went for me and I had been but Angela brought me back to reality and though she meant to be comforting,she just made the pain worse.

"Guys Im sorry,but im really not in the mood for guests right now" My voice was lifeless,empty of the severe pain I was feeling, but if I gave any indicator of that pain, they would never leave. "Thanks for the thought though" My thank you sounded utterly insincere,though I meant it with all my heart.

Cathy had always been the one with the firey temper in the group and she always spoke her mind. This charcteristic didnt escape her as she let rip.

"Isabella Marie Swan! Are you telling us to leave?? Us?? Your best friends?? Bella all we've tried to do is help you through this rough patch and you've just pushed us away time and time again. Did you know that Lauren offered to break her diet for this??" She was shouting now,indicating towards the junk food and dvds

"Or that Jessica blew off a date with Mike Newton even though she likes him alot?? Or that Angela was supposed to be bringing her sisters to Port Angeles and she cancelled to be here for you?? No you didnt. You've taken us for granted and you know what Im sick of it. I've tried Bella!!! Really I have but clearly I've failed. So I give up. Bye Bells." With that she stalked off,jumped into her toyota avensis and drove away.

I looked around at the girls,who at the beginning of Cathys rant but now looked as pissed as Cathy had been except for Angela who was looking at me confused by my apparent indifference. I was stunned. This kind of stuff only happened in movies. No ones life goes this badly wrong this fast in real life does it? I looked at Jessica and Lauren again to see them glaring at me, and Angela standing behind them looking at her feet,scrunching her nose as she always did when she was trying not to cry.

"You know what? Cathys right. See you around Bella." Jessica said abruptly,and just as abruptly turned and marched to her car,closly followed by Lauren.

Angela was left. She looked up at me searchingly and I starred back,my eyes glazed over with tears as I realised that the rejection of my friends was the final nail in my coffin. I heard Jacobs words ring through my head "Its completely your fault that your alone Bella" It whispered to me again and again.

"Angela Come on I have to bring you home!!" Jessica yelled, making both of us jump.

Angela looked back at Jessica and then back at me. Her eyes were wet with tears. "Bye Bells" She whispered.

I closed the door as she ran to Jessica s white Mercury, and slide on to the floor with my back againist the wall. My life was ruined. In the space of two months I had gone from a happy and popular senior with a perfect boyfriend and circle of friends to a reclusive loser,alone in the world. Tears slid down my face as I thought of the drastic change in my life. Every one I thought I could always rely on was gone..one by one they left me.

**so yes on that insanely cheerful note chapter 4 ends:P that chapter is way longer I hope than the others so review!!! it hurt my hands to type all this out so show mw some love....and yes i also really wanna do my "i got a review" dance :P and i cant do it if ye dont review:P are you going to deprive me of my happy dance???!!!! lol anywho enough rambling! much loveage as always!!**

**jelliebean**

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	6. Chapter 5

Hey hey hey!! Ya I know I haven't updated in like forever and i'm really sorry chapter 5…here we go...

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight…god damn it: P

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you know there was people in this world that believe that in everyone's life only a certain amount of shit can happen only a certain number of tears can be shed before life balances out again. These people are clearly the optimists of the world, I doubt that they have ever met someone like me, someome who lost everything that mattered to her. From her parents to her boyfriend to her friends, one endless string of painful events. As I sat on the floor, where I seemed to be spending all my time recently, I pondered what I would lose next. There had to be something, probably my car, maybe it'll get stolen, or set alight. Then the house , a fire? Or the bank repossessing it due to hidden debts of Renee and Charlie. All I knew was that it was never going to end. I was going to lose everything, absolutely everything, before I list my life.

And I knew that , as sure as I knew my own name, I was going to die a premature painful death, sad bitter and alone. Like a bolt of lightening, fast and painful, I was struck with a thought. Why don't I die on my own terms? Why wait around and watch everything leave and pass me by, until I die? I knew what Renee and Charlie would say if they found out that their only daughter was on the floor, thinking of taking her own life. They'd hug and love me, coax me to get off the floor and fight. They'd try and instill a fire in me to help me to keep going…but they re gone. They couldn't see me. There was no heaven there was no hell. There was life. Painful, bitterly unfair life. As unpredictable as the sea, it could change from calm to stormy in seconds, before you could even blink.

"How would I do it??" I wondered to myself, how would I end my life after 18 years of living, how would I end it? The easiest seemed to slit my wrists, but I had always hated the sight and smell of blood, and I d probably pass out before I could do the other. That was out. My train of thought spun off in another direction entirely. Was it a mistake? Even thinking about it, ending my life before it had really started? But I had suffered too much, and received too little in return to make a balance, to keep me going forward. All this life had taught me was that you didn't need water to feel like your drowning. I gasped aloud as I thought this. I remembered my favorite place in the world before this mess started, la push cliffs. When you stood on the very edge of them, you realized the pure wonder and beauty of the world, at the point where the sky, the sea, and the land met.

I had spent a lot of my childhood there. It seemed fitting to end my life there. All I would have to do is take one little step off the edge and let the ocean take its victim. My breaths came in short gasps as dark fell around me. This was what I wanted, for the pain to end. My mind was made up; set on this path, nothing that happened would change that. I got up to find a pen and paper to write my final letter, to those who left me but I still loved.

Having tracked down the paper and pen, I began to write.

To those whom it may concern,

This may come as a shock to some, to others not so much. I have decided to end my life because its just too much. No I didn't do it to join my parents in paradise, I don't believe that anymore, on hindsight I'm surprised I ever did. I did this for 2 reasons, one to end my pain and two to stop me hurting the ones I love, the ones I pushed away when all they wanted was to help.

Jacob, I love you and I'm sorry to have caused you so much pain. Though you hurt me the most, I can not help but forgive you. I want you to know that I hope you have the best life, full of love and friendship. To my friends, Jessica Cathy Lauren and Angela, you tried to help me and all I did was push you away, for that I'm sorry. Don't feel bad about the things you said, I deserved them, the things you said to my face and behind my back, i'm sure I deserved every single one of them. To Mr. Varner, your subject is evil and for gods sake, zip up your fly just once, believe me when I say, its not a sight anyone wants to see. I'm not saying this to be funny, or even to be rude, I'm saying this because I've been dying to say it since my first class with you, and now is my only chance to say everything I've been afraid to say. So before I leave this life a few unimportant things I've always wanted to say... Jessica your hair was nicer brunette, Angela those pink heels you bought last Christmas are awful and Cathy I'm sorry it was me that scratched your titanic DVD. Do what you want with my assets, I don't care.

All my love,

Bella

Xxxxxxxxxx

I sealed the letter in an envelope, marking it "my final letter". I placed on the kitchen table, hoping that who ever cleaned up the house after my death would see it. I steadily got up and went upstairs placing the clothes I wanted to be buried in on my bed. My blue silk blouse my favorite black skinny jeans and the peep toes I borrowed off Renee and never got the chance to give them back. I wrote "my burial clothes" on a post-it and placed it on top. I walked downstairs savoring each step as my time drew to a close. I went to the kitchen, picking up some chocolate. Eating it slowly I walked through the house, saying my goodbyes. Then with careful deliberation, I walked out the front door without locking it and got into my truck. I started my drive to la push cliffs, the drive to my death.

The drive took 20 minutes and though I drove slowly savoring all my surroundings, it seemed like it took only five minutes. I arrived at the cliffs, the place that had amazed me since I was a child, the place where all of nature's elements met in one place. I got out and felt the wind whip around me. Suddenly my feet felt too heavy to move, I couldn't but I had to. I forced myself forward. I suddenly started to feel like the little train that could, I started to chant to myself "I think I can...i think I can" and moved closer, closer to the edge, closer to the end.

I stood at the top of the cliff, watching the icy water below move in strong and vicious waves. This was my favorite place in all of Washington. It was fitting I should die here. I had never thought that I would die by my own hand, I always assumed I d live to a ripe old age and die surrounded by those who loved me, instead I was surrounded by icy cold winds and the burning knowledge that I was alone.

Things happen that you cant control and in my final moments I thought back over my life, all the happy and sad times. I thought as far back as I could, to my very first memory. I savored good times and lamented bad times. I thought of my first kiss, my first boyfriend and laughed. I thought about my last kiss, my last boyfriend and cried. Finally I thought about my most painful memory, the memory of my parent's death.

My parents were good people, kind people, and loved each other as much now as they did the day they married. But I hated them. I hated them for the mess they left me in. they left me with all this pain to deal with alone. I knew I was being unfair. I knew they didn't want to be slammed into by a truck while driving to Seattle. But they both died within minutes, they didn't even try to fight it, not even for me.

I took a step closer to the edge of the cliff. I briefly wondered what I would look like to anyone walking by. A strange girl standing alone at the edge of a cliff looking at the water, but I didn't care. No one would find me here. The wind was blowing viciously around me. One minute trying to push me away from the edge of the cliff, the next minute trying to push me off the cliff and into the icy depths below.

I closed my eyes as my hair whipped around me. I took a huge breath, my last breath, and leapt off the cliff. I screamed in fear as I seemed to float in the air a second too long. I opened my eyes to see the ocean just before I hit it with such force that any air left in me was pushed out in one big whoosh. I left the current grab and didn't fight as it pulled me under. Further and further into the darkness it pulled me. "Goodbye Jacob" I thought as I started to see stars and knew I was almost dead.

I knew I had died but I didn't expect it to be as uncomfortable as it was. I reached the bright light that came before heavens gates, which were rather noisy and oddly wet. I felt a little abashed for not believing it was true but I knew I was in heaven because when I reached it, I heard the angel's voice.

"Stay with me, stay with me now" the angel whispered some where in the distance.

I was confused, why would I not stay with you, I wanted to stay. This is where I wanted to be for the past three months. But I fell backwards into a darkness that frightened me, but somehow I had been longing for it.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

**A/N**

**So ya I just wanna apologize for the huge delay in this chapter but I wanted to get it right and the gods seemed to be conspiring against me every time I went to put it up. So please review if your not odd with me for taking so long:P loveage!!!!!!**

**Jelliebean:D**


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey hey hey!! So here we are chapter 6! I know it's taken me ages to get this up and i'm sorry but I promise you its worth the wait! I think :P**

**Anyhow as usual…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight never have never will but new moon was AWESOME!! Has anyone else seen it yet??!!! What did ye think???**

**Chapter 6**

**EPOV!**

I walked La Push beach. I d been here awhile, a while being about 4 hours. My family and I had just moved here from Arizona two days ago, and the change was almost unbearable. This beach was the only reason it wasn't totally unbearable. It was beautiful, I couldn't deny that. Especially when rare pockets of sunshine burst through the ever present claustropic thick blanket of cloud that constantly covered Forks.

I sat down on the rocks, looking past the cliffs onto the ocean. I sighed heavily. I didn't want to move. I wanted to be at home, chilling out with my friends in the sun, but I had no choice. Dad got offered a good job here and he took it, uprooting the entire family to the tiny town. Alice took it the worst out of all of us because it meant that she had to leave her long term boyfriend Jasper. I sighed again, thinking about the tantrum she threw when mom and dad broke the news a month ago…

************flashback**********

"NO NO NO!! IM NOT LEAVING!!!! I HAVE TO STAY HERE! I HAVE TO STAY WITH JAZZ!!" Alice yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Alice!!" dad said, looking shocked and slightly outraged.

We all looked at her in shock, Alice never yelled in anger, only ever in excitement or happiness and never at mom and dad.

"Alice honey, we have to, your father needs this job! It's our chance for a better life" mom pleaded with Alice, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Mom I can't, I won't leave him! I LOVE HIM!" Alice cried, her body shaking in sobs.

Mom ran over to Alice and wrapped her arms around her tiny frame.

"Honey you don't have to break up with him! You can call him and text him all the time and fly up and down to each other! Hon well make it work!" my mom consoled her as best she could.

Before long Alice nodded weakly, and as if all the fight had gone out of her just whispered "I think ill go to my room now."

Kissing my mom on the cheek and hugging my dad, she walked slowly up the stairs.

*************flashback ended*****************

Alice had taken it hard. We were only down here two days and she already missed Jasper desperately. It was easier on Emmett. He was in college and was living with his girlfriend Rosalie so there was no real change for him except he had to travel a further distance to travel home. For me, I just missed my friends. I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't really want one either.

See as my friends often tell me Im a weirdly mixed up guy. I'm a mix between a sensitive kind guy and a player. Different girls brought out different sides of me and Im not really sure of who I really am, or who I enjoy being the most.

Anyway I didn't want a girlfriend but there was this one girl at home…Tanya. I wanted her so badly that every time she moved near me my cock twitched. I had quickly lost my self in fantasies of Tanya and all the things we could do when I saw her.

At first I didn't know if it was a girl or a guy. All I could see was a lone figure on the cliffs. I looked through my binoculars that I brought for "bird watching"(that was my excuse for coming down here for hours on end…you don't even want to know what I used them for in Arizona) and saw a girl standing alone on the cliff, her hair whipping around her.

She seemed to be thinking very hard but she was smiling. I watched her. She was beautiful. Small fragile looking and thin with long wavy mahogany hair, she was different than any girl I d ever seen. She was pale, paler than snow and looked so fragile that I was surprised the winds blowing around her didn't break her in two.

I wondered what she was doing on that cliff. She was standing way too close to the edge but her face was so peaceful and serene, I couldn't bear to interrupt her and whatever she was doing.

But then she took another step forward with her eyes closed and fell. I yelled. Jumping up, I stripped off my clothes and ran into the freezing water after her.

I swam towards the place where she had landed , went under but had not resurfaced. I thanked god that mom had made me do life saving classes last summer. I had fought her every step of the way but it was definitely useful now.

I reached the place I d seen her land and looked down into the water while the current dragged me in different directions and the waves crashed against me. I dunked my head under water to look around but saw nothing

I was just about to go back down when I saw a flash of white, her hand. I grabbed it and pulled her to the surface. She seemed barely conscious.

I dragged her desperately towards the shore, my legs and arms screaming in tiredness at me.

"Stay with me, stay with me now!" I yelled.

A flash of confusion passed over her face before she went totally limp in my arms, unconscious. I pulled her more desperately towards the shore, finally making in exhausted.

I put her on her side to let the water out of her lungs while I pounded her back. Water gushed out in streams while she choked a little on it. She was still unconscious. I tried to slow my breathing and get as much oxygen into my lungs as I could.

I reached over and grabbed my mobile from my jeans pocket. I dialed 999 and waited for someone to answer as I continued to try and steady my breathing.

"Hello 999 emergency services, what is your emergency?" a cool female voice answered, her calmness calming me a little too.

"Hello my name is Edward Cullen. I'm at la push beach, by the cliffs and I just saved a girl from drowning. She fell off the cliffs. She's unconscious and breathing." I shouted into my phone, afraid she wouldn't hear me.

"Ok Edward help is on the way meanwhile(**a/n the rest of the civilized world :P sorry private joke and I couldn't resist :D) **make sure all the water is out of her lungs and monitor her breathing. If her condition worsens at all call back for more instructions" the cool voice said.

"Ok thank you!!" I said hanging up, taking deep breathes now that help was on the way, I could calm a little. I looked down at the beautiful girl Id saved. She was breathing shallowly on her side and her face was turning blue.

Her clothes were totally soaked and her top was see-through…letting me see her nice round… NO! Edward focus! I reached over her and grabbed my jacket and put it over her.

I heard the sirens of the ambulance drawing closer. It turned the corner and stopped. Two paramedics jumped out and ran over with a stretcher.

One went straight to the girl while one came over to me. " What's your name son?? Are you ok? Ok possible hyperthermia, blue lips, shivering, cut on arm, response and vitals are good." He muttered to himself, wrapping a tin foil blanket around me.

"Edward ya I m fine, just cold." I replied a little disorientated from the sudden appearance of the paramedics.

"Hmmm" the paramedic said while his colleague lifted the girl onto the stretcher. He wiped her hair off her face to identify her and yelped.

"Frank aw Jesus frank, its Charlie and Renee's girl!" frank, the paramedic talking to me whipped around " what! Are you sure? What the hell is she doing out here!!??" Frank turned back to me, and began stitching the cut on my arm that I hadn't even noticed.

"Edward who's your parents? Well have to call them to let them know where you are and I don't recognize you." Said frank

" Carlisle and Esme Cullen were new in town, my fathers the new police chief." I said wincing slightly at the pain in my arm, and watching Ben work on the girl.

" Bella can you hear me??" Ben called. Her eye lids fluttered a little. "frank we need to move her now!" Ben said.

"come on Edward into the ambulance you need to come as well." Frank said to me, as he began carrying Bella towards the ambulance with Ben.

I followed them quickly, wanting to get Bella to the hospital a.s.a.p. I picked up my clothes as I passed them and hopped into the ambulance.

The doors were quickly shut and we set off in lightening speed towards the hospital, sirens blaring. Frank tried desperately to stabilize Bella and save her life, while I tried desperately to put on my jeans with wet legs.

"moms going to be so mad when I don't come home for dinner." I thought looking at my watch and grimacing as I noticed the time. But this was more important. I glanced down at the beautiful Bella, and hoped she d make it.

**A/N sooo what do we think?? My first chapter in this story of EPOV! Love it hate it?? Let me know :D just press that little review button :D loveage!! xxxxxxxxx**


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey hey! I'm finally back…finally. Anywho thank you to everyone who reviewed!! Now, without further ado, chapter 7….**

**Disclaimer: twilight is all Stephanie Meyers….lucky...: D**

BPOV.

I was floating, drifting, across miles of pure white cloud, without any particular need to go anywhere. I was wearing the most beautiful white dress you could ever imagine. It flowed around my body and was made of a material so amazing you wouldn't believe me if I even tried to explain it to you. It felt awesome on my skin and for the first time in a long time I felt peaceful…happy. I floated across clouds for hours, or maybe it was minutes, before I saw it.

The light. A big bright beautiful light. It was calling me and I knew deep inside me that beyond that light was where I wanted to be. I floated towards this bright light, and then I saw them. Through the bright light shining at me, I saw my parents. Charlie and Renee…mom and dad. A vast bubble of joy and emotion moved up my chest into my throat where I couldn't contain it anymore.

"Mom!! Dad!!" I called to them in delight, desperately waving my hands as I drifted towards them.

Mom turned immediately as I called her, swiftly followed by dad. Dad looked horrified as he watched me float towards them, while mom looked simply bemused.

"Bella?" mom asked, confusion evident in her voice, "What are you doing here?"

She looked from me, gradually floating towards her and at dad who was gazing at me with a horrified expression. I felt the smile fall off my face as I took in dad s expression.

"Why? Don't you want me to be here?" I said, my voice breaking as rejection panged in my stomach.

"Bella, honey, we know how much you've been hurting, but you don't belong here. You have your whole life ahead of you! You can't die, not now." Dad said gently as I grew ever closer.

I could almost touch them now, almost but not quite. Mom, having finally realised what my being here meant, began crying softly

"Oh mom, don't cry! I don't mind! Everything I want is here anyway!" I said, trying to soothe her.

I reached out to hug her, desperate to ease her pain when I suddenly jerked back. I yelped out in surprise. I jerked back again. I looked up to see my parents watching with grief ridden expressions.

"Mom!! Dad!! What's going on!!??" I called, as I was jerked further and further away from them.

"You're being saved honey. Live you life, we'll be watching over you the whole time and when the times right, we'll meet again. Just know we'll always love you." Dad said.

Mom nodded weakly "we love you Bella" mom called to me.

"No, no!!! MOM!! DAD!! Help me!! I don't want to go back! I want to stay with you!" I cried, reaching my arms out in a desperate attempt to stop myself from being dragged backwards.

Slowly but with gathering speed, I was being pulled away from the light, from the happiness I felt, from my parents. I continued to cry as I watched my parents get smaller and smaller. They watched and called their love to me. Then after what seemed like an eternity or no time at all, Charlie and Renee disappeared from view. I cried, wanting desperately to be with them. The light got smaller and smaller until it totally disappeared and I was left once again in darkness.

***

I was slowly becoming aware of a steady beeping sound, soon followed by the sound of people whispering. The smell of Dettol and sickness assaulted my nose and I immediately knew where I was. Forks general hospital. I'd been here enough through my childhood to immediately where I was.

I could feel the gowns papery material against my skin and nearly groaned. It was nothing like the dress I wore in my dream…my dream. Memories flooded back and my eyes filled with tears. I missed mom and dad so much; it hurt to lose them again, even in a dream. Yet somehow I knew, in the pit of my stomach that it wasn't a dream. And at the thought I was filled with hope, while mixed with my grief still made me feel better than I had in months. Yes my grief still made me feel better than I had in months. Yes I missed my parents and I was still grieving for them. But they told me to live my life and that's what I'm going to do.

I focused again on my surroundings, namely the whispering people in the room. "Ya….her…..Bella…cliff" I could only hear disjointed words. I decided it was time for me to wake up. I tried to open my eyes, and could barely manage to flutter my lids. I heard the whispering stop but all I could think about was how much my body ached, as if I hadn't moved for days. My throat moved a lot too, like it had been scrubbed with steel wool, making it raw and sore. On my 3rd attempt, I managed to open my eyes. The light hurt my eyes and I squinted to see 3 people I didn't recognize on either side of my bed.

There was a boy, about my age, with strange bronze coloured hair. I studied him briefly and decided he was very handsome, tall and muscular. He was standing by the door, watching me with concern. Sitting on my left was a girl, who though tiny in frame, looked about my age. She had black pixie cut hair and absolutely stunning. On my right, smiling kindly at me was a woman with caramel coloured hair and looked about 40.

They were all watching me, smiling, making me feel self conscious and uncomfortable. The bronze haired boy pushed himself off the wall and walked up to the bed.

"Hey" he said softly "how're you feeling?" he asked, still speaking so softly it was like he was afraid I would break if he spoke too loud.

I starred blankly at him, slightly stunned. He had the most stunningly green eyes I had ever seen in my life. I realised after a moment they were still waiting on my reply.

"Em I'm ok" my voice broke, embarrassing me, I cleared it and tried again "ya I'm fine…erm why am I in hospital?" I asked the most important question first, I needed to know first if they knew what I had tried to do. I winced at the thought.

A quick shocked glance passed between them before the woman with caramel hair spoke,

"Bella honey what is the last thing you remember?"

My eyes began to sting with tears as she spoke, she spoke to me with such motherly affection that it made me long for my own mother even more.

"Em… I remember driving to la push cliffs and I remember getting there and walking up to the cliffs and…" I stopped myself, aware I was on a slippery slope and not wanting to give away too much "after that…nothing" I finished lamely, trying desperately to cover my tracks.

"Bella…" the bronze haired, green eyed gorgeous boy spoke "you fell off the cliffs. I was on the beach and saw you fall. I swam out and rescued you and called an ambulance" he stopped, noticing the sudden change in my expression.

As he spoke I felt my insides turn cold, then blazing hot with an irrational anger I could barely explain to myself.

"Thank you for saving my life" I said woodenly.

Irrational as I knew it was, I was angry at him. Angry that he had interfered with my choice, my decision to end my life. I was so sick of everyone trying to interfere with my business, even though I knew that this boy saved me from making a huge mistake.

"Who are ye anyway? And how do you all know my name?" I asked rudely, still gripped by my irrational anger.

They all seemed startled at my sudden change of tone and expression, all the same the bronze haired boy hastened to reply

"Oh right sorry" the boy stammered "I'm Edward, Edward Cullen. This is my twin sister, Alice and our mother Esme." He said, indicating to each person as he introduced them.

Alice waved excitedly when introduced, while Esme smiled kindly.

"Were new in town, so that s why you don't know us" Edward added as he saw my confused expression.

"Edward dear, we should really let the doctors know Bella's finally awake, they'll want the examine her." Esme said, smiling at me all the while.

Edward nodded and left the room. Something clicked with me as he left the room…finally??

"Finally?! What do you mean finally??! How long have I been out??!!" I screeched suddenly panicking.

Alice answered before Esme even opened her mouth; she had clearly been waiting for me to ask this question.

"Oh about 3 days 6 hours and 45 minutes" she said, winking at me.

I gawked at her in awe. What the fu…

"It's a gift" she added quickly winking again and obviously referring to her overly accurate account of how long I had been unconscious.

I was still gawking at her with my mouth slightly open when the doctor swept into the room.

"Evening Bella, how re you today? I swear you're finding much more inventive ways to get yourself in hospital these days" chuckled, clearly forgetting that the last time I had been in here was to identify my parent's bodies.

I shuddered. "I'm good Dr.G thanks!" I smiled at the man who had been my doctor my whole life.

"Right well you have some bruising from the impact of the water and a sprained wrist but besides that you seem miraculously unharmed!" He said with a slightly confused expression as he saw how lightly I got off.

"Right perfect Dr.G when can I leave?" I said desperate to be home.

"You can leave today Bella as long as you promise to be more careful and take it easy for a few days" he said, glancing at the remaining Cullen's who took the hint and left. "Now Bella I've done my duty as your doctor, I'm now going to do my duty as a friend of your parents and more importantly your friend. I need to know, did you try to commit suicide on the cliffs? I know this is hard and blunt but I need you to answer me honestly." He finished his rant with a piercing stare.

I gulped I should have known this was coming "Dr.G I didn't. You know me and you know how I was raised. I would never do that." I lied bluntly through my teeth, but I had to protect my secret.

Dr.G sighed, a sigh full of relief "that's nice to hear Bella because I was seriously worried about you. You shut yourself down so completely after your parent's accident I thought I was going to have to admit you to a hospital"

A lump of emotion built up in my throat. I could see how much Dr.G didn't want to say that and how scared he had been that he would have to act on his doctor instinct.

"Oh err ok" I said awkwardly, unsure how to answer. "Well I best be getting ready to leave" I said cheerily trying to lighten the atmosphere

"Ok Bella. Ill see you soon no doubt" he chuckled, waved and left the room quickly.

I was left to my thoughts for approximately 2.5 seconds before Alice bounded in the door.

"Your free you're free!!!!" she sang, reminding me of the old guy from the old guy in the hunchback of Notre dame that I grinned at her **(A/N IM FREE IM FREE...DAMN IT…awesome movie) **

I was so relieved to just go home that I didn't mind her squealing. That was until she threw clothes at me.

"Here Bella! Throw these on! We didn't have the key to your house and we didn't want to break down your door so I got you some new clothes!" she squealed, getting closer to ultrasonic sound every second.

She ran out of the room laughing at my shocked face. I quickly threw on the clothes she gave me, grumbling about annoying pixie demons the entire time. Soon ill be home I thought…and smiled.

**So yes…review if you please!! I always reply and they just are awesome…almost better than the chocolate chip muffins in school…yummy…: D much loveage!!!**

**Jelliebean**


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